That would be an existential matter

I’m not one of these people who hate mobile phones. In fact I think if you’re under the age of 50 and you don’t have a mobile you’re actually some kind of freak (James Fenn take note). You deserve to be paraded through your town whilst people throw 21st Century objects at you, like wireless routers, Blackberrys and pistonless rotary engines. But I digress…

It’s really only the application of mobile phone technology that aggravates me: Battery life that’s a joke, unnecessary phone aerials stuck on handsets, phone cameras that produce images that are so bad, it makes Manic Miner look detailed.

Nonetheless, what vexes me most is the really, really clever idea to have an answer phone service that calls you back. Continuously. Yeah this is a fantastic idea. Picture it… You’ve left your phone somewhere and so you miss a call. They leave a message on your phone, so you’re phone rings you back. But wait, you’re not there to answer it. THAT’S RIGHT. WHY DO YOU THINK I HAVE A MISSED CALL??? Still, who cares.. not Vodafone! Not there to pick the answer phone message up? Don’t worry, it’ll ring again again in two minutes. And then two minutes after that. And then again and again. Forever and ever until everyone sitting in your office is physically sick because they have to listen to your Pussycat Dolls ring tone for the 475th time.

At present this rants at top of the my most ludicrous things evah! It even beats the time I lost my cheque book and went into the bank to tell them and the lady behind the counter says “you’ve lost your cheque book? You should report that”. The mind boggles.

With a little help (and permission) form asparagine guv’nor Pete, I’ve added a cluster map hit-counter to my blog. Basically, it’s a small map that shows you where your blog visitors come from. Clicking on it also provides you with lots of other visitor stats that only I would find interesting, as it’s unique to my little corner in the asparagine world. To make this whole affair even more exciting, I’m seeing how long it’ll take to get a visitor from each continent. I’ll keep you all updated. You can find the updated map at the bottom of the right hand side menu. Careful not to fall off the edge of your seats.

If you’re someone who often says “I don’t suffer fools gladly” or you “speak your mind” it’s most likely that in fact, you’re just a rude twat.

Managed to spill my second pint all over the bar. Looks like I might not be playing guitar for them then… Bugger.

Anyway, watch this space.

UPDATE: Just got an email inviting me to a practice. Looks like I could get turned my down for lack of talent rather than a mere social faux pas.

Late last week, the normal serenity of historical Canterbury was slightly rocked! Legendary music venue The Beer Cart Arms became host to the equally legendary Tom Arnold’s Revulsion. This one-man, electronic metal band performed an exclusive first ever gig to a barely controllable small to medium sized crowd. Whilst this reporter was not actually there, the rumours of audience whooping, clapping and head-nodding have travelled far and wide. Arnold himself owned the “mother-fucking” stage. Strutting his stuff, he successfully pulled off pose after pose whilst sporting unquestionably fashionable camouflage slacks.

After the gig fans rejoiced in experiencing what one onlooker branded “a sonic onslaught of electric death”. Another was heard to have said it was “alright” and a third commenting that “the beer in here is quite cheap”.

Whilst we were unable to get any formal comment from the band, a group email was sent to Revulsion’s most hardcore fans. A direct quote from the email read:

“People seemed to be really positive about the thing afterwards but I tend to take those compliments with a pinch of salt coz people arnt exactly gonna say ‘ya crap!’ to you are they? ”

No official website has been set up yet, but this reporter believes if every gig is this hectic, it’ll only be a matter of decades before people start paying attention to the Arnold sound. Amen to that.

N.B. Whilst this article is written in good humour I really am impressed with Tom and his music. It is actually quite clever, catchy and is overflowing with potential. Shockingly, I kid you not.

No-one below the age of 60 feels the absolutely ludicrous need to hide their television from sight when it’s not being watched in a nice cabinet or dresser.

Got the new Bloc Party album, ‘Silence Alarm’. First thoughts: Pretty cack. It was a stupid purchase. I could have bought Editors, which I know I like, but instead, I bought into the hype and got an album by a band I know I’ve never enjoyed. I’m a gullible twat. I may as well go and buy ‘That’s my Goal’ by the dubious criminal Shayne Ward.

Moral of the story: Listen to what you like, not what you’re meant to like. Then you’re the real cool kids.

Disclaimer: Personal opinions on bands can go down as well as up. And normally do. My reputation could be at risk if I do not keep up constant opinion on music for more than two months. This does not effect your statutory rights.

I’m gonna try and get the whole NYC post out the way in one. Ambitious considering I’m a moron when it comes to HTML. Anyway, here is the ramble about when I visited New York City for the New Year. I’m gonna split this into bite size portions for your reading pleasure. So…

BUILDINGS: Aesthetically, the main part of the city just looks prettier than London, or at least it’s more striking, despite most of it being less than 20 years old… or 25 years at a push. The main reason for this was the buildings. Not the crappy Empire State, but just the hundreds of random skyscrapers that sat about the corner of every block (apart from the Lower East Side but more about that some other time) and the dozens of churches and cathedrals that nestle in between the towers around them. Here is some American architecture:

NIGHTLIFE: Most of the holiday evenings consisted of going out to eat, then getting drunk. To be honest, I was more than happy with this agenda. For the “big night” we paid $100 each to go to a club till 3am, with an open bar (yeah!) until 2am… And apart from the other English couple we went with, we were the only Non-Americans in the place. In was pretty good. The rest of the time we went to various bars and managed to even find an excellent Indie-Rawk club that I forced upon Aruna more than once called The Lit Lounge. In my drunk haze I only managed to get a few phone photos (including the mandatory Indie toilet shot):

SHAMELESS TOURIST SITES: Well, being in NYC for the first time, I had to see everything you can think of. Yes, I became that annoying, loud tourist getting in the way of New Yorkers on thier lunch breaks. So, this includes The Crystler Building, Empire State, The Statue of Liberty, The UN, 5th Avenue, The Rockefeller Centre, Central Park, Radio City, The Stardust Diner (where the staff sing to you), the ominous Ground Zero, Grand Central Station and some other stuff too. Probably. Yes, you’re right, here’s more extra small thumbnails:

MISCELLANEOUS: Ha, it’s not over yet! There were loads of other things to mention, like the overly crazy security, the excellent customer service, the obsession with New Year, the hidden taxes on everything, the amazing food, the terrible subways, the wicked cabs and the rest… most of which I didn’t capture on my phone. Nonetheless here’s some random photos just for my own satisfaction:

Sorry, had to put a couple pic in their somewhere. Anyway, New York… it’s alllllright.

If you spend more than one minute at a cash machine, you’re not only being inconsiderate, you’re a moron.

Well I had to post one sometime. Okay, so here’s where things are at the moment. I have some songs, some ideas, a bassist and a ‘drummer’. And tentatively, a singer/guitarist. We’ve had a few noisy practices but at present, we’re shit (but aren’t all new bands?). Um… Anyway, it’s the new year and there’s no reason at all why we can’t get off our collective arses and becoming a decent working group. I miss playing music badly.

Also, went to see another band tonight where I might apply to be their guitarist. You know, do the whole two bands thing… They’re kinda poppy “but dark” punk. It’s quite up my street. But the rest is secret. They’ll probably tell me to go home. Several other bands have, including some very good ones. Still, it’s a guitarist-eat-guitarist world out there. There’s just too damn many of us. Anyways, watch this space.

One more thing, if anyones got any band name suggestions, don’t keep them to yourself…. give them to me! So far, rejected names include:

The Shameful Truth
The Pilot Shirts
Ariel Threat
The Poles
The Lexingtons
Shotgun Reality (oh dear)
Vexilaa Regis