That would be an existential matter

Found some old gig tickets from the mid 90s.

Ah, them were the days.

Ever since I landed my new job, I’ve become a bonafide* commuter of the dreaded Misery Line. Every day I stand at Finchley Central and watch the dot matrix tell my four different things a minute. Thing is, they know more people get a Bank train than ones going via Charing Cross. Shit loads more in fact. Still, in times of delays this doesn’t stop them holding the Charing Cross train back and letting the Bank train go first. So instead of one train coming along to take those willing to change at Camden, EVERYONE barging bastard tries to get on at once. Idiots.

Whilst the extra busy times see most people’s politeness discarded like yesterday evening’s addition of Metro Lite, some tube etiquette remains… and of that giving up your seat to the needy is the big’un. To leave an elderly, pregnant or mother-with-four-screaming-kids standing whilst you listen to Hammer Smashed Face by Cannibal Corpse is more than a little frowned upon. But, and here’s the thing, what is they’re not pregnant; they’re bloated and fat? Or they’re not old; they’re just ugly and smoke 80 a day? Well, here’s the thing. This evening, an “older” lady got on the tube and stood right in front of me. I totally clocked her but buried my head in my paper nonetheless. It wasn’t because I couldn’t be arsed to get up, but because she was borderline old. She was at least 65 but well dressed and with it. My thinking was if I asked her if she wanted to sit down, it could come across as an insult. “Congratulations you turkey-necked bitch, you’re the oldest looking person here, you win a seat” (she didn’t have a turkey neck btw). After about five minutes of awkwardness the guy next to me looks up apologetically offers his seat to her, making me look even more of a shit. She didn’t take it but he moved next stop and so she sat down beside me. I was going to turn to her and say “I was gonna offer you my seat but you didn’t look old enough” followed by a gentlemanly laugh, but instead I bottled it and just felt like a bit of a bastard. How do you get out of that one?

Anyhoo, share your fucking wacky idea of an acceptable way to travel to work here. It’s actually pretty good.

* My version of Word doesn’t recognise this word. Am I going mental?

Nothing is more awkward than the 2 seconds of silence after a group of people finish laughing.

So spent an age in Phones 4 U trying to get an upgrade. Got offered a wicked deal, a really wicked phone (see above) with an excellent camera but Orange refuse to give you your PAC number over the phone, so I left, mobile-less. BASTARDS. Still, this leads me neatly on to the fact that for the last two years or so, I’ve documented lots of my life via grainy mobile photos. So from here on in, I’m gonna post a random few pics every now and again from my ever growing collection. Brace yourself, some of these are more tedious than writing about a Matrix DVD Box set. Here’s a few:

Man, my posts are getting boring. Soon, I’ll just be posting exclusively about buying houses for the 6 months or singing the praises of the smoothies you can buy in Liverpool Street.

* Are these puns getting worse. It’s not even a pun is it? Or is it?

Tom ‘Revulsion’ Arnold just called me to say that he’s in Bradford or somewhere up radom, grey and depressing upnorth (dunno why) and he’s seen the Matrix DVD boxset for a mere £15. He offered to buy it for me and bring it down here on Monday. Sweet.

I’m pretty chuffed. He’s said it’s normally about £50 in the shops and even Amazon is selling it for £35.99 here. I’ve always been a fan of the films, all three of them, despite the rubbishing they got from critics. So that’s me sorted for the next 12 months then.

So, for the last two weeks I’ve been reading Neale Donald Walsh’s fairly famous book ‘Conversations with God’. Basically the long and the short of it is that God ’spoke’ to him through his pen and he effectively had a conversation with him. Then he published the book. Yes, yes, it was all for money, yes, yes, he’s mental, yes, yes you don’t believe in God. Get over it. Since telling people just yesterday that I was reading it, and made vague attempts to explain it, I’ve been lumbered with a bundle of email abuse and mockery (to be fair it was all quite light hearted) about the whole affair.

Listen, (and I say this to prevent a barrage of comments left on my blog about this), I do not care if anyone reads the book, but if you want to criticise, read it first. Surely that’s logical? Secondly, it’s not about whether it’s God, his crazy head, his own devious self in a bid to make cash or a freak hand spasm that’s moving the pen, it’s about what the book says. All I’m doing is reading a book, like a billion other people. But, I have to say, it’s damn interesting and I’m normally the most cynical man on the planet.

Can we now bring this topic to a close thankyouverymuch.

Further to my previous post here Thames Water has come under more criticism as they’re selling off another reservoir to turn into housing developments. I can’t be bothered to talk about it myself but here’s a quote from here:

During the past few years, Thames Water has filled in six reservoirs. Five of these now have houses built on them, creating more demand for water. Yet Thames Water keeps on telling us, the customers, that its reservoirs are half empty. Surely if the company had kept these, there would be six more half empty reservoirs, which equates to three full ones. Selling off these sites is like selling off the family silver. It is very short-sighted.

What a bunch of shitbags eh? Remember ‘Let’s Beat the Drought Together’ people.

As before, I’ve been geekily checking out the asparagine stats. For some reason, it makes a most interesting read. It’s a bit voyeuristic really, looking into who, when and how people came to read my site. Obviously, this time is a little more explanatory as the Frostie’s thread has been besieged by a hundred illiterate school kids swearing at each other in text language. Take a look at the “blog stats” screenshot at the top of this post for proof. It’s even made my visitors compete with the guitar obsessed who flock to Luthier Than Thou on a daily basis. Damn you Anthony. One day *shakes fist*

However, as always, some of the more unusual searches last month included:

pendulous breasts - 28 searches and a monthly favourite!
sell your testical - 6 searches (wtf?)
funny cat posters oh shit - 5 people thought it was funny then
the 0898z - 3 searches (hurrah!)
how good is qe boys - 2 searches. Not very good. Go look at Wikipedia
how to stop class matter - 1 search. Keep up the fight
coco pops kid is still at large - Let’s find him. And destroy him
end of the new - 1 search, who put this in?
will pasty head webster - 1 search. Hehehehe
funny monkey knife fight pictures - 1 search. Um, people scare me

Till next month, stats away!

Too many teenagers are leaving school barely able to write or add up, and lacking social skills, business leaders claim in a damning new report today.

Well, according to the headline article in today’s Metro anyway. Normally I dismiss most anti-youth stuff as utter crap, but after a few weeks for reading some of the comments left here, I think they have a point.

Being able to speak, read and write isn’t “uncool”, it’s being a normal human being. LEARN THE BASICS OF FUCKING ENGLISH for Christ’s sake.

OMG, lol! ure 4 real innit. betta lurn kwik bruv coz u gunna b nobodi wiv no job lol!!!!!!!!!!!!111

You can never trust rumours or information on the internet (look at Bonsai Kitten - How much did I want one of those!) but apparently, Mean Fiddler have struck a deal with some cash hungery property developing arses to knock down the London Astoria and LA2 and make it into shops. Yep, ‘cos that’s what we need more of in central London, shops.

Read more about this here and sign the petition here to try and stop it happening. But as with all issues to do with money, the likelihood of it not turning into “luxury flats and a shopping centre of the highest quality” by 2008 are pretty low. We can but try.

Now, if I can’t buy a Bonsai Kitten I’m off to make one. How hard can it be? Cat. Jar. Straw… EASY!