That would be an existential matter

I woz thinkin of rightin the my blog lke this from now 0n yea!!!!11 OMg how amzin wud it b if every thin woz writen like wot the kidz right!!11 lol!!! rofl!!!111 k

Thn again I woz thinkin tht its well difficult to right lke this all the time cum 2 think about it!!1 lamo!!111 I might go bck to rightin properly 2moz as this is 2 confusin 4me!!11 lol I must b well out of tuch wiv da kidz wot u rekon???!1 Apprently cvs and stuff tht ppl get have loads of erors on em coz all kidz right lke this now init!11!!!! but who wants 2 b tld how 2 right proper whn this is kwickr!!!111 OMG pwnd yea blud?!

If you sit on the priority seat of a tube carriage, you’re guaranteed that it’s only a matter of stops before a pregnant woman gets on.*

*This has happened to me four times in a row. FOUR TIMES. The bloody chances are like probably a million to one.

Sorrow. That’s what I feel. Nothing acute, I just feel sadness. Sadness about the past, about life, about lost friendships, about the state of the world. It’s weird. Bloody mood swings. What evolutionary purpose does an existential crisis have eh? It’s right up there with going red in the face for sheer usefulness.

It’s just crept up on me you see. I think I’m tired, that always affects your mood. It’s also a bit of a reminder that you’re just a bunch of chemicals in a sack of skin and changing who you and what you think is as simple as drinking some booze. How depressingly mortal.

I have no idea why I’m writing this, but I thought I’d just put my emotions down on the internet so everyone can read them, muse muse. Look at me! I have a blog! Check out my thoughts, they’re surely so important and interesting that you want to read about them. Thought not. Stupid blogs.

Just got back from seeing Prince’s night at The Dome. I really thought it would suck - It’s an arena gig for starters. Secondly, I could image 50 costume changes whilst his band “get down” for 10 minute tedious chunks at a time. Turns out it was fucking amazing.

As it was his last night, everyone got a purple glow stick and a free Prince album on the way in. Nice, but also pretty clever - As we came him, he’d been in stage for about 30 seconds and had just started playing Controversy… the sight of walking in to the arena in the pitch black, illuminated only by Prince in the middle on his symbol stage and 10,000 purple glow sticks covering the walls was pretty amazing. I actually nearly shed a tear because I was so overwhelmed. Really. That’s how amazing it was. Or maybe I was just being mental. Either way, it set a precedent for the rest of the show. Two hours, gone in a flash. There wasn’t one low point - One break from being utterly entertained. I don’t even normally clap my hands at gigs and I was dancing. Actually dancing, you know like women do in clubs. So was the whole crowd. It was possibly the best atmosphere I’ve ever felt at a gig - and the venue was huge.

Our seats were pretty damn good too, it’s a shame that my shite camera phone doesn’t make it look like that. Then again, I think even if you were on the third tier atthe back it would have been brilliant. Look, I got through this whole thing without using the word “funky”.

I really don’t know why I keep trying to write headlines like a tabloid journalist but I know that the killer pun is just around the corner. Anyway, this is just a little bit about how my need to learn has tripled since I’ve stopped drinking. See, “thirst” - for knowledge. Haha, crazy. Brilliant. There’s the pun, right there. Did you spot it?

In the words for Phil Collins, but seriously… I’m reading more than ever. The fact that I’m reading is an achievement in itself… Norammly I have zero attention or patience with books, but lately I’ve bought and read novels, books about the power of the mind over the body, several spirituality texts and most recently about NLP. I’m reading masses of information on the internet about Qigong, psychology, health, nutrition and meditation.I’ve taken up guitar lessons, I’m studying music theory in as much depth as my understanding allows, I’m trying to learn magic tricks (yes I know this is weird, but I just WANT to know how to do it) and the only things I seem to watch on TV anymore are documentaries.

Not having the distraction of the booze cycle (boredom > drink > drunk > memory loss > hung-over > repeat to fade) has given me more time to think. Sure, for a lot of it, I sat and thought about how much I wanted to drink and how bitter I was that I couldn’t but also… I started to realise how little I know about anything. I actually get stressed when reading or learning something because it just emphasises how little I actually know.

Mmm, maybe it’s a passing phase and I’ll be watching 7 episodes of Scrubs back to back before you can say “Red Stripe”. Mmm, Red Stripe.

I think Will should watch this.

Man, that last post was a rage. Still, there was a point in there somewhere. Maybe it was that I need to chill out. Anyway, being the new found hippy I am, I’ve been getting into Qigong as a way to relax and as an attempt to let my body try to heal itself.

The problem is trying to hold my attention. If I’ve not anxious, I’m off the wall energised and restless with a thousand thoughts in my head. Can’t. Sit. Still. So what hope have I got of standing in one spot for 20 minutes? Take now for example, I need to do today’s session but I’ve got a ball of energy in my stomach that’s eating me up. I’m restless beyond belief, bored, agitated and excitable. I guess that’s why it’s taken me a year to learn 4 Italian phrases.

I don’t even have the attention to watch the England game. Oh look, we’ve just scored. Yo.

Well this makes me appear to be a total loser, especially after this, but fuck it, I’m gonna write it anyway. It’s Friday night. I’ve texted probably 8 people, as well as a couple of phone calls (and I’m not counting the other people I know are unavailable). I’m desperate to go out but nothing. No-one about, nowhere to go. At least with company, and what am I meant to do… Go drink a non-alcoholic beer alone? There’s other people I could contact, but I alrerady know the answers. Tired, busy, in Brixton academy, out with workmates, can’t be arsed and no. You think I’d start to take it personally.

Whatever happened to the days of going out in groups of 10? I hate getting older. Or at least getting older and being single. It’s not the single part I mind, that I quite like. It’s the everyone else not going out part. I’m climbing the walls. What makes it worse is after coming back from a drink in Islington, I arrive at an empty, darkened house. TO WRITE ON MY BLOG. Let the fucking good times roll.

Wait, I just got a good text. Seriously this moment. I’m outta here you cunts.

I’m currently writing this post on Microsoft Turd (see what I did there?) and will post it up as and when my internet connection allows… so next week probably. Despite some protests from so-called “techies” (aka autistic nerds), wireless connections don’t, well… connect.

“Look, no wires! You can put your computer anywhere in the house and you don’t have to have a pesky wire connecting it to the web! Instead, magic rays that beam information straight to your computer in bendy waves do it all. Revolutionary huh?” said a representative from Netgear.

Well, not really. The wireless connection here doesn’t work. Neither did the one in my old flat. Or my mate’s work. Or even in Will’s flat and he’s a massive geek.. Ok, it might now, but there was a time when it was shoved on top of a tall CD rack to try and get it as high as possible as it intermittently cut out and I bet a flying monkey stick it’s only a matter of time before it arses up again.

The technology isn’t there yet. I wouldn’t mind but I just wish someone would bloody admit it. Computers by and large are the most unreliable, shoddy pieces of shit that crash, slow down and frequently break. In any other industry, that wouldn’t be acceptable but for some reason mugs like me accept it.

Muthafackin’ lol!

There’s like a million of these on youtube, the best one (this had me in tears of laughter) is here. Although the angry German kid remix is also very amusing.

BTW, If you want to do a bit of research on the O Rly owl, you can find a compliation of clips here.