We’re Talking ‘Bout Money Money!
I was sitting at home the other day, wasting my life watching the somewhat alluring Sarah Beeny talk total shite to an outrageously upper middle class couple with far too much money on their hands. I speak of course, of her money worshiping show Property Ladder. The title says it all. Climb, go on climb, never stop trying to get to the top of some mystical property hierarchy that suppresses and restricts your every dream in your pathetic little existence you poverty stricken scum.
This week, two equally-as-unusual-and-not-in-the-good-way individuals were transforming their one bed flat in Edmonton to a 12 floor Spanish villa or something. In all honesty, I can’t remember but all you need to know is that a lot of building work was going on. All the while, Beeny would sporadically pop up, tell the hapless couple that everything they’re doing is frankly wank and they may as well give up now because she’s only going to come back and rub it in their expressionless faces if they don’t.
Sure enough, one house makeover later and in comes the Beeny to point out every minor detail and proclaim “what muppet did this?” in a cockney accent whilst walking around the house like Danny Dyer and shouting “Alright Dave” to every remaining workman on site. Well something like that anyway. Nonetheless, she did make a point of berating the zombie like pair on the amount of money they’d spent on the house. “You’re never gonna make your money back” she said smugly, “have you seen my internet dating site?”. She goes on to explain that they’ve managed to up the value of the house significantly but are likely to lose up to £20,000 if the market goes the way of the pare. “Your fucking fucked sunshine” she said, whilst doing the Lambeth walk with a small fez wearing, cymbal-banging money on her shoulder (sorry, I’ll stop now).
The whole voyeuristic affair seemed a little pointless to me. Here are two people with more money than enthusiasm spending their hard earned cash on their home, enjoying the fruits of their labour. Then in comes a perm-pregnant portly bint to tell them that they’ve fucked everything up, can’t dress and are basically a waste of space ‘cos they might lose the cash further down the line. Surely she’s missing the point? At least I am. I thought we earned money to enjoy it, not to chase more money. “Invest” we’re told. Got loads of money? Then for God’s sake put it away somewhere you can’t touch so it makes more money. Then what? Blow it all on living your dreams? Sod that, invest some more! Have you seen the rate of interest you can get on a long term savings account? No? What are you some kind of cunt?
This is a typical example of the money (and work but that’s mentioned in another post) fetish society has entrenched in it. What’s Beeny want us to do? Climb the ladder until we all live in chateaus with four pools and a servants’ quarters? Even then she’d make us convert it into flats to maximise it’s profit in today’s crowded housing market don’t you know. It’s not money that makes a person happy… it’s everything else in life. Money is the collective cogs of the happiness machine, not the product… well it is unless I’ve missed something fundamental. Bloody Beeny.
November 29th, 2007 at 12:25 am
Before some buttfucking cuntwit gets their pathetically queertarded oar in, I’d like to mention that Will has already addressed this one. As a nation we’re bizarrely obsessed with properly acquisition. In Germany home ownership is about 40%. You might sign a lease for 5 years or more, but that lets you treat your rented accomodation as your own home, and who needs a house when you’re fucking dead?
The upside is, you’re not tied to a mortgage when you want to go off and do something interesting. Or drop-out and do something interesting. Fuck it’s all good.
You wait for my review of a German biscuit. The joke is: they’re ALL shit.
November 29th, 2007 at 12:55 am
Ha! German biscuits are shit, it’s true. But also, good points generally. I agree.
November 29th, 2007 at 12:58 am
Also, excellent use of the word queertarded.
November 29th, 2007 at 12:55 pm
Er, Sarah Beeney’s not making them do this, they’re doing it themselves, she’s just there to a) try to convince them not to do something that’ll lose them cash b) point and laugh. It’s not their home they’re demolishing and rebuilding, it’s a house they’ve bought with the specific intention of doing it up and selling it on to make pots of cash to do whatever with. I’d have thought you’d approve - they’re working for themselves with the aim of fucking off somewhere sunny and never working again.
November 29th, 2007 at 2:41 pm
Tim is completely right, except when it comes to Choco Leibniz.
Thing is, that crappy show (where just about everyone I’ve seen completely ignores her advice and makes a profit anyway) is exactly about investing. They’re not splashing the cash on jizz-coloured rugs because that’s what they’ve always wanted, they’re doing it to make money.
I really like the new Ikea ads which tout the idea of buying stuff you like, because it’s your fucking house.
I think you must be thinking about Grand Designs, where two people with more money than enthusiasm pick up some godforsaken hellhole and turn it into the house of their dreams while constantly being lauded by the presenter as useless fucktards, with the intention to actually live in it.
November 29th, 2007 at 2:47 pm
Oh yeah, and to quote that sunscreen song in regards to the frigging property ladder -
Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.
November 29th, 2007 at 11:03 pm
I knew Rachel would come in and say I’m wrong somewhere along the line. Listen, I know the whole angle of the show is about doing a house up and making a profit, which is why the semi-milf Beeny lectures them on what sells, but that is exactly my point. That fact that programmes like this exist in abundance is part of the whole money fetish. Not only that, but I’m pretty sure the couple in question planned to live in their newly transformed house for a couple of years anyway. Hardly a waste then really…
November 29th, 2007 at 11:37 pm
No they didn’t. They’re doing it up for profit. Money grabbing shitehawks.
November 30th, 2007 at 9:37 am
The people so often end up living in these houses cos a) they usually fail to grasp the concept of developing a property and fall in love with the place, do it up to some stupid personal decor and then decide they can’t possibly sell it or b) spend so much money they’d make a loss if they sold then and there, so they sit on it and wait for the market to go up.
They’re all idiots. I long for the day one of these morons makes a massive loss and isn’t protected from their idiocy by the market. Shouldn’t be long now *rubs hands with glee*
December 5th, 2007 at 12:22 pm
You still would though. Beeny.
December 5th, 2007 at 12:27 pm
But apart from that, GET THE FUCK OVER IT ALREADY. Not Beeny.
December 7th, 2007 at 4:44 pm
German biscuits are NOT shite. They are great. Losers.
December 9th, 2007 at 2:20 pm
Shut up Fenny, you know I speak sense. You all do, you’re just intoxicated with pointless materialism that detracts from living.
And German biscuits are RANK. Much like their history. lol!
December 13th, 2007 at 3:03 pm
Says Jamie Marshall, writing on his slate in his cave, I presume, because he’s so un-materialistic and really knows how to stick it to the man. Not for him the rampant commercialism and consumerism of modern society. No. He kills his own food, makes clothes from rags and leaves and would never dream of doing something as obvious and mainstream as spouting a load of 6th form socialist ‘why can’t we all have the same stuff?’ bullshit on such a commercialised medium as the internet!